Christmas Time Mistletoe and Crime!
by xMissAnonymousx
Summary: Joker. He doesn't like Christmas. He's the real life Grinch and he's bored. He left Harley after deciding they should go their separate ways. Harley doesn't give up easy though, not without a fight. Just how long can he resist the temptation of his Christmas Puddin? Rated M; contains Swearing, Violence and other adult content including Sexual themes.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Okay so I'm changing the first chapter a little as there's been lot's of views but I don't think people are feelin' it :/ lol. The original chapter was waay too short anyway so, hopefully this will appeal! If not, please don't hate! I'm just a big fan of the joker and trying to get my fix by writing about him lol. Sorry if the first couple of chapters seem a bit boring and dragging, I'm trying to build things up a bit :) x

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'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house, not a creature was stirring.. Not even the Joker.

Instead, he sat eyes glued to the pictures that projected before him of his childhood favourite pastime. The Grinch. Besides that and the occasional flashback he didn't really have many memories from back then.

He gripped the side of his heavily engraved golden throne. With the other Hand he swished the caramel coloured liquid that stained the glass he clutched so tightly before emptying the rest of the contents into his mouth and throwing it at the wall.

His mood had been like this for days and so long as Harley was out of the picture, despite the fact it was his own doing for her disappearance, it wasn't set to improve anytime soon.

He tried to concentrate on the film. He had originally thought it would be a good distraction. He had convinced himself he didn't need Harley to be there to watch and laugh along with like they had almost every other year before this.

He had always been an avid fan of The Grinch. He felt he could some-what relate and empathise. It was something about that _Vivid.. Green.._ Colour.

He liked that.

But. It wasn't just that, that he admired, oh no, it was Something.. Something about the way he liked to isolate himself. Separating himself away from society like some kinda _Lone_ Ranger.

Scaring people with any and every opportunity; terrorising anyone who'd dare cross his path. Sometimes even those unlucky enough to so much as _look_ in his direction.

But it wasn't just that they had in common no, he was angry too. Resentful. Alone. Bitter. He didn't need _anyone_. He was convinced no one would ever need him. So there he sat, angry as ever. Loathing. Just like The Grinch.

Appearance-wise his sleek, slicked back hair was as green as ever, two strands rebelliously fell out of place either side of his face and yet they looked so carefully and strategically placed.

Despite his mood he looked rather festive with a red and white Christmas hat; Red felt with a fluffy white trim and white ball of fluff on the very end to match.

 _Just like Santy's_.

He was topless; tattoos a-show. Skin; almost pale as snow. His teeth was teeth exposed; silver and gritted into an angry grimace.. A real Bad Santa.

He turned to his right hand man Frost.

"... 'Tis the season to be _Jolly_.." he said smiling whilst throwing his arms back widely and theatrically "Blah blah blah blah Blaah, Blah _blahh_ blah _Blaahh_.." he finished his rendition of the well known Christmas carol following it on with a long slow laugh, accentuating every "Ha" on purpose for extra affect.

As he looked away he returned to silence, his smile falling, recollecting his thoughts and resting both hands over his cane as he stared deeply and focused into nothingness.

It was Christmas Eve and yet he really didn't know what to do with himself.

He turned to Frost.

" _People_..." he drawled, slowly. As if it required a lot of energy to form a single, simple, word.

"People.. Sir?" Johnny questioned.

"People!" The Joker boomed abruptly.

"Rushing around! Gathering gifts for their loved ones and acquaintances" he finished his sentence hurriedly with a slight air and tone of _disgust._

"Why." He continued. "What.. What is the _Point_?!" He demanded.

It was half a question and half a statement, he wanted to share his opinion but at the same time he generally wanted his curiosity satisfied.

Frost who was stood stiffly arms overlapping with one hand holding his wrist, looked away braking eye contact briefly for a few seconds before returning his gaze and answering.

"Umm.. Beats.. Me Sir. It's just something to do to pass the time I guess. And it's tradit-"

"Tradition! Yes..." the joker interrupted. **"** It's tradition to spend _SO_ much money on people who don't even _appreciate_ it."The joker shook his head in disapproval.

"It's tradition to spend time with the so-called loved ones they wouldn't normally give two shits about for the other _364_ days of the year!"

"Er, _Yeah_.. Haha" - Johnny half laughed nervously in response, not entirely sure what the boss was getting at, what the point in this was and were the direction of the conversation would lead them next.

"Everybody... Finding something. Something to live for. No.. No.. Not something. Some _one_."

"Why? Johnny." he trailed off, rising to his feet hands still firmly resting on his cane, feet shoulder length apart "Yano what - Don't answer that.. Ha.. Ha.. Haa.." he flexed his arm, chest and shoulder muscles and exhaled with a long growl before slowly walking towards Frost.

"Let's go!" He patted Johnny's cheek with his gloved hand without so much as looking at him, nor waiting for a response.

He didn't need too. This puppy dog was very well trained.

At least _he_ would always do as he was told.


	2. Chapter 2

Joker stepped outside, frowning and disapproving of the cold atmosphere that greeted him.

"This weather is better suited for the likes of Cobblepot!" He exclaimed whilst raising his non-existent eyebrows.

Looking up at the sky, that was filling thick and and fast with snowflakes, he stuck his tongue out as far as he could and closed his eyes.

Arms out-stretched, he began to twirl round and round in circles slowly before stopping and turning to Frost.

"Aren't ya gonna join me?" He asked encouragingly with just a hint of sarcasm.

Frost smiled.

Joker leaned forward, his eyes and his smile wide and menacing "Suit yaself!"

He turned and spat at the ground and walked off into the darkness in search of his car followed closely by Frost.

Reaching for his keys he found them and chucked them at Frost as he turned "You can drive" he growled.

"Sure. Where are we going boss?" Frost asked as he opened the door for him.

"Anywhere. Surprise me.." the joker replied.

They'd been driving for several minutes in silence.

The joker was restless, his mind racing more than usual. Unwanted memories. Unwanted thoughts. Thoughts of Her. Relentless and repetitive.

Had he been driving he could of distracted and entertained himself. Jumped a few red lights.. Dodged a few pedestrians.. Anything for a bit of entertainment.

Instead he was forced to sit with his thoughts. He closed his eyes and gripped his head whilst a look of excruciating pain took over his facial features.

Johnny although driving couldn't help but notice the state he was in. He was concerned.

He had originally planned to take him to a new club just south of Gotham on the outskirts.

He'd heard interesting things about this place and was sure his boss would be pleased with the new opportunity for business deals.

He wasn't sure if he would be impressed or in the mood but he'd told himself anything had to of been better than the joker sat at home in silence.

He knew all his boss needed was a little action to cheer him up.

"Almost there Boss"

The joker growled a sigh under his breath. He loved Johnny but sometimes he was just too slow and too damn sensible when it came to driving.

He turned to look at him and reached across using his hand to mimic a gun to Frosts head.

" ** _God_**... Would it kill ya to put ya foot down once in a while?!"

"Sorry.." frost started.

Joker waved him away as if to say, don't worry or be quiet.

He then took out his phone, instantly regretting it once seeing the screensaver of his ex, Harley.

He really needed to change that.

Accompanied with the image were a series of unread messages. 39 to be exact.

Some of them where short and simple outbursts.

One read: _I need U_..

Another: _I miss U.._

Followed by: _Answer me!_

And: _You can't just forget about me!_

Other messages were longer. He could only see the first parts before they trailed off into what he guessed was an endless boring ramble.

He didn't want to know. He wanted to be free of her. He wanted to forget her.

How many times have they been here before.

How many more times would they need to go here again?

He reminded himself once more that he didn't need anyone.

" **Dling**!" His phone received another message.

This time, the pop up read " **picture message received** "

He ignored it, chucking his phone on the dashboard.

He opened his mouth, just about to tell Frost to pull over.

"No need Boss, we're here!" Johnny assured him, reading his mind.

Johnny jumped out the car and rushed round to the passengers side to open the door for the frustrated clown.

Once out, joker closed his eyes, inhaled the fresh cool air deeply and stretched, he then shook his head and hair with a smile before re-opening his eyes and turning to face the mystery place before him.

As they approached the club the bodyguard and doorman who were standing out in the cold quickly moved to one side.

Johnny grabbed the door and opened it as the joker gave a fake smile, covering his face with his tattooed hand.

An awkward silence fell inside the club as the Joker and his right hand man entered.

The atmosphere around them had been euphoric, now it was uneasy.

Everybody froze.

Everyone felt uncomfortable scared and on edge.

They had all immediately stopped what they'd been doing; talking, drinking, dancing.

All eyes were fixed on Him.

All minds questioning the same thing; what was he going to do next?

The music continued to boom in the background.

The joker suddenly spoke: "Well - this is _intense_!" Before erupting with laughter.

Frost smiled, looking around and marvelling at the effect his bosses presence had on others.

He stepped forward and gestured to a booth toward the back of the club, the joker obliged and headed off in that direction.

As he passed a few people he mimicked the action of biting and laughed to himself as they repelled back into their chairs.

He felt flattered.

So easily he could take some lives.

So easily he could tear this place apart.

But instead he sat, waiting for someone to bring him a drink.

He knew the routine. It wouldn't be long before a member of staff came over with a bottle of their best as an offering and goodwill gesture of peace.

A pathetic, hopeless act.. Now who did that remind him of?

Sure enough, as if on queue someone made their way over to him with a bottle of their finest and most expensive drink they had to offer.

To his surprise it was a woman.

More often than not it would be a man who would reluctantly sacrifice himself.

His eyes wandered over her figure, absorbing the image that approached him.

Tall. Blonde. Curvy.. It was as if the universe was constantly trying to remind him of Her.

He wouldn't give in that easy.

"Thank.. _You_.." he purred to the lady who resembled his ex.

She dared to look at him only for the briefest second before turning and rushing away.

His attention turned back to Harley once more as he pulled out his phone.

Curiosity had got the better of him, no doubt she had hurt herself then taken a photo in some desperate attempt at winning his attention, he thought.

He was wrong.

Oh how _wrong_ he was.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thankyou for the reviews! I'm glad you are liking the story so far and hope you will continue to enjoy it :) x

Chapter 3

Once again he had instantly regretted his decision.

His free hand tightened into a fist, the photo was of a car that had a striking resemblance to his own, his pride and joy, his Lamborghini.

In the centre of the windscreen was a giant mallet shaped hole. Harley's signature mallet rested diagonally across the bonnet.

Was she actually threatening him?

He rang her..

"That had better not be mine Harley..."

Her only response was laughter, laughter that he had once both loved and craved to hear so much! Now it just got on his nerves and instantly made him angry..

"Oh! You wanna play? You wanna play games with me little girl.." He laughed a long harrowing laugh before growling and hanging up on her.

Spurred on by an adrenaline rush and a sudden rage of fury he stood up and marched out of the club, barging and pushing people out of his way as he went.

Outside, his eyes automatically searched for his car. Instant relief washed over him. It was in the same spot and in the same state as it had been before. No mallet shaped holes in the windscreen. Nothing.

He turned to frost who was slightly out of breath, struggling to keep up with him - he really needed to start hitting the gym again.

"Keys" the joker demanded as he stretched out his arm and wriggled his fingers.

"What's the Matt-" frost started before being interrupted by the joker once again.

"This time" the joker mused theatrically "I shall drive.."

"Uh, ok boss" frost responded rather sheepishly walking towards the car trying to mentally prepare himself for what was about to happen next.

He knew something was up and he knew only one person could have that affect on his boss, Harley.

"Get in!" Joker growled "Whaddaya waitin' for.."

Joker was already in the car at this point, revving furiously, his eyes fixed on the speedometer and dials on the dash, watching them flick up and down in time with his own heart beat.

Johnny obeyed and climbed into the heavily modified vehicle, slamming the door just in time as joker took of with a violent wheel spin.

After a few minutes of driving erratically Johnny spoke "Um, sir?" He said, gripping onto whatever his hands could find, bracing and readying himself for sudden impact.

"What?!" The joker spat, making minimal effort to look at him out of the corner of his eyes. He had one hand on the gear stick that was embezzled with a skull jester, the other was firmly gripped around the steering wheel.

"J - Y'know it's kinda... Icy tonight? You might want too.." Johnny trailed off.

"Slow down? Drive... Carefully?" Joker laughed whilst shaking his head and weaving in and out of traffic.

"Oh frosty. Frosty, frosty.. Frosty."

"If I wanted your advice I'd ASK for it." He said with a smile before turning his attentions back to the road in front of him, his smile disappearing.

Johnny smiled nervously and half nodded his head. He decided he should keep quiet from this moment on and not speak until he was spoken too. Not at least until the boss was in a better mood.

Finally, by some miracle and after narrowly avoiding a serious accident or two they made it back to the Jokers mansion.

Joker braked at the entrance, coming to a slow halt he pressed the button to wind down the window, sticking his arm out ready to press the fob in his hand to unlock the gates but there was no need as, looking at the entrance they were already open.

He turned to frost, his arm still resting against the window frame of the car. "Didn't we.."

"Shut them? Yeah boss." Frost answered.

Joker rolled his head and his eyes back and let out a long frustrated sigh, shaking his head and punching the steering wheel.

He turned off the ignition took out the keys and chucked them at frost, who just about managed to catch them.

He stepped out of the car and began to walk up the long winding drive that led to his hideout.

Frost stuck his head out the window. "Boss what should I do with the car"

"Go" the joker shooed him away with a swift movement of his hand.

"Where? Sir." Frost enquired.

"Anywhere! .. Anywhere but here. Anywhere I wouldn't go. Somewhere.. Somewhere Harley wouldn't go."

"Um, okay sir. I'll grab another car and come back as quick as I can."

"You? Quick? That'll be the day Ha, Haa.." the joker joked.

He turned his sights back to the big house, Studying for any sign of unwanted guests.

Nothing stood out so far. No lights..

No smashed windows.. Good.

He tried the door. It was still locked. Fumbling for his keys he opened the door slowly unsure for what could be waiting for him on the other side.. He was in for a surprise.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Meanwhile, in downtown Gotham city Frost was sat stuck in traffic. "Jeez what's the hold up" he mumbled to himself. He couldn't see just exactly what or who it was that was bringing the traffic to a complete halt and stand still.

While he waited he cycled through the radio stations until he found a song he could half stand listening too.

Once he found one he liked, he started drumming and tapping his fingers on the steering wheel in time to the beat, which wasn't for long as the song soon ended rather abruptly, being replaced with an anxious radio host, ready to announce urgent breaking news.

Frost let out a loud over-exaggerated sigh before muting the stereo and reaching over into the glove compartment to rummage through some CD's.

No sooner had he found one that looked promising, he jumped banging his head on the dash at the sight of Harley who manoeuvred herself with ease into the car via the passenger side window that he had forgotten and neglected to shut.

Harley looked very coy, smug and pleased with herself. "Hi Frosty" she said with a wide cheeky grin. "Miss me?" She asked innocently. She sat looking at him as if she expected him to applaud her magnificent entrance.

"Oh um, hey there Harls.. You know you almost gave me a heart attack there.." frost laughed nervously adjusting the top of his collar.

"Well. This was.. Unexpected" he went on.

"The best surprises always are - don't ya think?" She said whilst smiling and twirling what looked like bubblegum between her thumb and forefinger.

She noticed frost looking at it and said "want some?" Taking it out of her mouth and offering him the gum.

"Um, No thanks. I'll pass." Frost shook his head whilst smiling, trying to be polite.

"Suit yaself!" Harley replied, slightly offended and turning to look the other way.

"Anyway! Have you seen the picture I sent Mister J?" Harley asked.

"Er no, can't say I have.. In all honesty I don't think any pictures sent between you and J is something for my eyes" he tried to maintain eye contact "or anybody else's for that matter" he added.

Harley made a pouty face and turned her head to the side, considering his words before lifting herself up in the seat and reaching into her back pocket to retrieve her phone.

"True." She said. "But you're not just anybody" she said smiling, her tongue protruding in a cheeky manner as she bopped his nose gently with her finger "Here." She said thrusting the phone into his hand but still, Johnny refused to look.

Harley rolled her eyes and sighed once more before taking the phone back off him "Look! Silly." She held it up infront of his face, waving it so that he was forced to look. "Don't worry! It's not dirty.." She assured.

Frost reluctantly done as he was told and looked at the image. It wasn't like he had a choice anyway but at least she was right, it wasn't some sordid revealing picture of her like his imagination had both accused and suggested.

It was in fact the very same image she had sent the joker earlier that evening of a car, just like his except with the giant mallet shaped hole in the centre of the windscreen.

A look of anxiety spread across Johnny's face. "You're not.. Actually.. Going to do that.. Are you?" He asked.

"No" Harley said with an air of honesty, studying her painted nails. "Not if YOU listen carefully." She said seductively suddenly turning to face him, stroking his face slowly.

Frost gulped. "O-okay" given the moment it was just about the only word that he could manage.

Harley stalked effortlessly over onto his lap before taking his tie in both hands and pulling him slowly towards her. "We wouldn't want our bossy-wossy too get crossy-wossy with ussy wussy now, would we?" She pouted and twisted her head side to side.

Frost closed his eyes and exhaled slowly so that he couldn't see her. He lifted his hands up. Sure he could feel her but if he couldn't see her then maybe he could just pretend this wasn't actually happening right now.

Nope that wasn't going to work.

"Harley..." frost licked his lips trying to regain some control in the situation.

"Yeah?" She replied sweetly leaning in dangerously close, so close that her cleavage made contact with his hands which he had been holding up in an act of surrender.

"Please.. Get off me.." he said trying to sound more confident than he actually was.

Harley done as she was told and returned to the passenger seat. "What's the matter?" She asked. "Don't you like me?" She said with an air of sadness.

Upon opening his eyes he seen she was bent over, back purposefully arched to accentuate and compliment her curves. He immediately covered his eyes as she laughed and laughed at how easy he was to wind up.

"It's not funny Harls.. If J could see you right now he would-"

"He would what?" Harley asked pretending to be dumb, returning to her seat.

The sound of several horns blared and interrupted them. Frost hadn't realised the traffic was now flowing steadily once again.

"Come on! Whaddaya waitin' for frosty!? Let's go already!" Harley shouted.

Once again, Johnny had no choice but too obey.


End file.
